Consider the Ravens

I am in the midst of the grind. 

I landed a job as the manager of a deli...yep. Hard to believe, but I did it! I'm doing it! The stress that comes with that job...ugh...but it helps pay the bills and I'm generally happy there. It's a small business, and I have a good boss. I find it very hard to leave work, at work. I take a lot home with me. Mistakes I've made during the day. Tasks yet to be completed. Sometimes that place even takes over my dreams. ugh ugh ugh. I take 5-htp to help me sleep, and a B complex during the day. I don't know if it really helps, but maybe it does, and I really don't want to find out if it doesn't. St. john's wort worked for the depression, for a while. But, as is common, it sent my anxiety into overdrive. It got me through the worst days though. I can actually say that now...the worst days. Yes, I think those are in the past.

Things are far from good, but physically, mentally, well.....

Working, taking care of the kids, and cleaning house take up a large amount of my time. Finding a balance is a constant struggle. My husband found a job, but works out of town during the week...for now. He says that will change soon...I hope so. 

Right now, right effing now, I'm doing it all, all on my own. Some days I wonder if it's worth it. I feel alone a lot. I only see my husband on the weekends, and I'm looking at working the next two weekends. double UGH! Then I talk to my love, pray, read scripture, or meet up with a friend for a little bit, and I find the strength to keep going. 

Depression and anxiety cycle. 

Some days, I can feel the depression settling in the bottom of my gut. Dragging me down, making me want to give up and cry. Sometimes I do give in and cry. I can't count how many times I've cried in my car before picking the kids up from the sitter. I let it out, sob, as hard as I can. I don't give a shit who sees me. I need it. I can't keep it all stuffed in...it's too much. Then I dry my eyes, take a few deep breaths, and jump back into life. 

Other days, the anxiety is so overwhelming it hurts...actually hurts...to take a deep breath. The muscles in my stomach and chest are so tight, that it hurts to stretch them enough to take a good breath. I have to remind myself to take a few deep breaths several times a day. Even if things tighten right back up, at least i relaxed for a few seconds, and something is better than nothing. I've discovered a new symptom of anxiety as well. oh joy! Rashes..all over my hands and forearms. At first it looked and felt like dry skin...all peeling and itchy red bumps. horrible. I assumed it was from the soap at work. I'm washing my hands over a dozen times a day. After trying a few different lotions, and nothing helping, I remembered my dad having a similar issue. He was a weapons loader in the Air Force, and was always getting oil and grease all over his hands. I remembered how dry and cracked they would get. So I sent him a message "hey dad, did you ever find something that helped your hands? mine are terrible." He replied, "You know what, I did. I saw a dermatologist a long time ago. He said it was from stress. Once I stopped worrying about shit I could do nothing about, it went away." Words of wisdom from my dad. :)

Three Meals

With My love working out of town during the week, I've had to get creative with meals. When he was transitioning out of the Air Force, he was home earlier than I was, so he was making dinner. Now, I get off at 5 pm most days, sometimes not til 8. His job is putting him up in a hotel during the week, and I couldn't very well have him eating out all the time. Not only is it expensive, but unhealthy. Above all, I'm still a good mother and wife, and part of that is making sure everyone is well fed. So I did some digging online, pooled knowledge from good friends, and started making freezer meals. 

At first, I took a few hours on my day off day, and made three big meals. Chicken Florentine. Lasagna, and Jambalaya. I have LOVED skinnymom.com for a long time. Her recipes helped me to track calories and lose some of that baby weight! I made a double batch of the lasagna sauce. It's a family favorite and I could put some over spaghetti noodles later. It was a crazy mess, but in the end, I had a freezer full of meals. I portioned some in quart sized zipper bags for the husband to take, and some in gallon sized bags for me and kids. 

Three meals for the week may not seem like a lot, but on the days when I wanted to collapse upon walking in the door, the ease and comfort they provided was almost divine! Those 3 meals put me a week ahead of the game. (score!) I am now able to make a few large meals during the week or on my days off, and freeze some away. On the days I work, I use my crock pot. The kids and I eat that for dinner, and I freeze the leftovers for my husband to take the next week. On my days off, I cook two big meals, one for lunch, and one for dinner, and portion the leftovers. Do I sometimes feel like I spend too much of my time cooking? planning meals and grocery store trips? YES! But when my love calls and says "my roommate is jealous of my dinner" or the kids and I are sitting around the table, eating, and talking about our day, it is ALL worth it!