Tuesday, September 23, 2014

For better or for worse

The last few days have been a mix of good and bad.

 I've had several job interviews. Two for a job that scares the shit outta me but pays well. One for a job that I could do blindfolded, but doesn't pay enough. Why does the good paying job scare me? For lots of reasons. Mainly because it is sales, and my anxiety is killer when it comes to meeting new people and deadlines. Also because it would require me to learn a whole new set of skills- phones, computers, products, sales techniques. All of that terrifies me. 
Am I good enough? If I take the job and fail...then what? But it would come close to making half of what my husband currently makes. It's also a lot of hours. Potentially 50 hrs a week....that is too much time away from my babies. So here I am...caught between a rock and a hard place. Do I push past personal fears, and open the door to new possibilities? Or do I give into the fears, and close the door on what could be a life changing possibility? Sounds like a simple decision to any sane person...but for me...someone who has had nearly a decade of living with, and giving in to, irrational fears....well this is one decision I'd rather not even make. But I have to make it...and that is what makes me want to run....run run run....far away from here to somewhere where someone can take care of me forever. Even that isn't a realistic or mature thought. So I  run every morning, and then get down to the business of trying to make this work. 

Leaving vs staying. 

A few friends have insisted I leave my husband and go home...back to family. This is not the first time. He hasn't been a great husband or father in quite some time. Did I know that when I married him almost a decade ago, yes. Did I and do I make excuses for it, yes. Should I? I really don't know. I haven't been the perfect wife either....does he make excuses for it? Maybe. I really don't know what he says about me. I haven't made up my mind either way...to leave or to stay. I'm taking one day at a time. For now anyway, staying is the better option, especially for my kids. It makes more sense financially as well. It is a hell of a lot easier for the two of us to support one household than it is for two of us to support two households. Maybe in ten years I will leave him, but for now, I'm staying and fighting beside him.

St Johns Wort, 

it helps with the depression end of things, but there doesn't seem to be any relief from the anxiety. Maybe there never will be. I am not a fan of medicine. I've been put on 7 different ones over the last eight years, and none of them have helped. Most make me worse. So I run every morning and try to keep busy. Getting up at 5 am and going almost non stop til 11 pm. Is that healthy? Is that sustainable? I really don't know, but it keeps me from completely breaking down. Keeps me functioning, for my kids sake anyway. 

My kids.

I am a stressed out mess and yet they still expect the same as they have always gotten. Same money, same attention, same love. My 10 yr old has always gotten pretty much whatever he wanted. A new toy every pay day. Clothes, shoes, eating out. It is insanely difficult to explain these changes to him without scaring him. After having explained to him what was all going on...dad losing his job, me going back to work, having less money...he still bugged me for this $30 toy for two weeks. I kept telling him that I wasn't sure when he'd get it. Maybe Christmas, but it just wasn't sinking in. He kept asking. Finally, I snapped. He was mad he couldn't have it. And I couldn't take one more ounce of pressure. I said to him "I don't know if we are gonna have money to eat with next month, so no, I do not have $30 to spend on a stupid toy!" I instantly felt horrible; about having yelled at him, about not being able to give him what he wanted.

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