love

It isn't easy staying.
No...wait... sometimes it is.
Sometimes I know exactly why I'm here and why I love him.
Other times, I think I am crazy and stupid for staying.
Yes, he did fuck up.
Yes, he was irresponsible.
Yes, he is working his ass off to fix it.
Yes, the guilt and fear eats at him.
Yes, I do love him.
But that isn't why I am staying.
If anything, I've got my father's logic, and I need to have a rational reason to stay. I can't stay just because of the way I feel.
Then why?
Throughout all this upheaval, my children need some stability. It is a huge adjustment for me to go back to work, and for daddy to be gone all week, every week.
I want my children to know that the four of us are in this life together.
That forgiveness is a real thing.
That climbing out of a ditch you dug yourself into is possible.
That life isn't something you just give up on.
That marriage isn't something you just give up on.
Divorce is not an option. Not at this point. He doesn't beat me. He doesn't cheat. He doesn't live in a bar. He isn't a drug addict. He doesn't hang with the guys more than his own children.
He has some problems, but there are definitely worse things he could do!
I'm staying because it makes sense financially. It is far easier for the two of us to support one household, than it is for the two of us to support two households.
Am I saying I will be with him forever? Nope.
No one can predict the future.
We had the best laid plans and things still went to hell in a hand basket.
I don't live in some fantasy land of happily ever after, not anymore anyway.
Someday things might change....but for now, I'm staying.
And I won't feel guilty for it.
Have I lost friends over this decision? Sure as hell have.
I sincerely pray that they never, never, have to go through the things I have gone through in the past few months.