This week has been better, physically. I havent thrown up at all this week! (Never thought I'd need to say that!) Mentally, im still somewhat of a mess. I only had two episodes of breaking down and sobbing. I've had two job interviews, both went well and have boosted my confidence enough to go on more interviews. Im still dreading actually working, and leaving my children. I still have doubts and fears about successfully learning and performing a job.
I've been given so much emotional support from my friends, therapist, and family. They have said so many meaningful and uplifting things, I cannot recall them all. I also found out who my real friends are....the ones who ask how I am doing and genuinely mean it, they aren't just looking for gossip. The ones that still talk to me, not knowing or caring what my husband did to get us in this spot, they still care about me and the kids.
I've tried to put thoughts of the future to the side. All I can do is handle each day as it comes. I have to remind myself almost constantly that God has a good and perfect plan for me. I have to have patience and trust, and be brave enough to take advantage of the opportunities He presents to me. I have seen Him come through in little ways for me as well. An unexpected hug from a dear friend, a free soda from a waitress, someone offering cloth diapers in exchange for my daughter's old clothes. "The Lord provides" has become a mantra that brings me peace in my lowest moments. Some mornings I wake up with that awful sinking feeling in my stomach and I go for a run....immediately! That seems to help me burn off the nervous energy that makes me sick. Even if I just run around the block once, it helps.
I'm trying to see this as a blessing, as hard as that is. See, my life was wonderful, yet I still obsessed over my smallest imperfections or over what could go wrong, that I made myself unhappy- my circle getting smaller and smaller. Retreating farther and farther into my home. My therapist seems to think this is one of the best things that could happen to me. Yes, it sucks, but I probably wouldn't have ever gotten back into the world without this push. I would never know what I was actually capable of because I would still be sitting at home saying "I can't". How is it that everyone else thinks I have all this potential? That I am smart and like-able? I suppose it follows the same rules as body dismorphism. No matter how much weight I lost, I always thought I could lose more. I got down to 125 lbs four yrs ago and still felt like I needed to lose more. Is that how I see myself in general? No matter how smart and successful I am, will I still see myself as dumb and unworthy? My husband calls this insecurity, he says it will go away once I get back into the world. But, as always, I have my doubts.
I've been given so much emotional support from my friends, therapist, and family. They have said so many meaningful and uplifting things, I cannot recall them all. I also found out who my real friends are....the ones who ask how I am doing and genuinely mean it, they aren't just looking for gossip. The ones that still talk to me, not knowing or caring what my husband did to get us in this spot, they still care about me and the kids.
I've tried to put thoughts of the future to the side. All I can do is handle each day as it comes. I have to remind myself almost constantly that God has a good and perfect plan for me. I have to have patience and trust, and be brave enough to take advantage of the opportunities He presents to me. I have seen Him come through in little ways for me as well. An unexpected hug from a dear friend, a free soda from a waitress, someone offering cloth diapers in exchange for my daughter's old clothes. "The Lord provides" has become a mantra that brings me peace in my lowest moments. Some mornings I wake up with that awful sinking feeling in my stomach and I go for a run....immediately! That seems to help me burn off the nervous energy that makes me sick. Even if I just run around the block once, it helps.
I'm trying to see this as a blessing, as hard as that is. See, my life was wonderful, yet I still obsessed over my smallest imperfections or over what could go wrong, that I made myself unhappy- my circle getting smaller and smaller. Retreating farther and farther into my home. My therapist seems to think this is one of the best things that could happen to me. Yes, it sucks, but I probably wouldn't have ever gotten back into the world without this push. I would never know what I was actually capable of because I would still be sitting at home saying "I can't". How is it that everyone else thinks I have all this potential? That I am smart and like-able? I suppose it follows the same rules as body dismorphism. No matter how much weight I lost, I always thought I could lose more. I got down to 125 lbs four yrs ago and still felt like I needed to lose more. Is that how I see myself in general? No matter how smart and successful I am, will I still see myself as dumb and unworthy? My husband calls this insecurity, he says it will go away once I get back into the world. But, as always, I have my doubts.
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