Make it stop

The first week was hard. Oh so hard. 

It's even harder to name the hardest part. 

My anxiety. Anxiety has me in a firm grip. I can't help it. Can't shake it. I rotate between freezing up- sitting or laying down and hardly a thought, i want to sleep but can't- crying, and throwing up. By 3 pm, I am almost normal. By 5 pm I feel confident in my abilities and the power of God, I feel on top of it all and don't understand why I was so upset that morning. It is a confusing and difficult place to be. Mornings are the hardest. Each day I wake up with my stomach in a hard ball. It's hard to breathe. It was 6 days before I quit throwing up each morning. I still can't eat until at least 1pm. I've seen my therapist each night just to feel like I can go on. 

The loss of a community I feel so strongly bonded to. 

Facing the loss of a stable income. 

Facing the loss of a lifestyle. 

Trying to find a job that pays well when I have few skills. I haven't worked in 5 yrs. Even when I did work, it was just in a grocery store. 

Trying to decide which job I should shoot for, which would be a good match for me, and still allow me to be a mother.

 Leaving my children will be hard. It kills me to even think about it. I have enjoyed and loved raising my children and that was my life plan....to raise my children. The Lord tells me this is my most important job.

How will I balance taking care of home, family, and trying to build a career? Is it even possible? 

The kids....thinking of them and the sacrifices they will have to make. Its unbearable!

My daughter....my beautiful daughter....all she knows is momma taking care of her, all day, every day. I rarely leave her with a good friend. 

And my son....he has become so used to mom being here to help with homework and make dinner.   

It's also hard to say how I feel about my husband. I love him, and I'm so freaking mad at him! I want to slap him and I want to hug him. This is eating him up too. He didn't have to say it, I can tell by looking at him. His confidence is shaken and I am barely hanging on to sanity. He can't stand to see me cry, and I can't vent to him because he doesn't understand. He hasn't lived with the daily struggle I do. I was barely holding things together before this. 

My previous worries and struggles feel unfounded now. I feel completely out of control. My body and my mind do whatever they want, despite my attempts at deep breathing, exercising, and tapping. The tools I've learned to cope with mild anxiety aren't enough to get me through this disaster. I try to talk myself down, tell myself I need to be strong for my children, but I feel so weak....so very weak. We had so much security, and now it's all gone. He says we have freedom now. Freedom to rise higher and do what we love, but all I see is the danger of failure.