My husband and I met in highschool. We were 17. He had a grand plan of leaving our small wisconsin town and seeing the world through the air force. A year later, he was in basic training and I was pregnant. A year after that, our son and I joined him at our first duty station in Colorado. Things weren't easy. Teenagers, new baby, far from family, in a big city. But I worked, he worked, and it worked. A few years later we got married. A few years after that, he had put on a few stripes and was heading out for a deployment. So, I quit my job, and became a stay at home mom. I finally learned to cook, decorate, crochet, and make friends with other air force wives. Playdates, clearance shopping, coffee dates, and having dinner on the table by 5 was my life. And I was in love! In love! I had a husband who was climbing the military ladder, and a fun smart little boy. We climbed mountains on the weekends, and I was crocheting my heart out to crap tv during the week. After a total of 8 yrs in Colorado, my husband called me with news. We were finally moving. To Texas. Texas, I thought, hmmm...never been there. Not as exciting as Hawaii, but still someplace new. Lets go! We bought a cookie cutter house in a middle class neighborhood. Two weeks after arriving, my husband got a nice fat DUI! I thought he was done. I thought he was going to jail. I thought id have to sell the house we hadn't made one mortgage payment on and move back in with family...on my own...while he sat in a jail. I was a stressed out mess! Fast forward a year and a hell of a lot of work and heartache, and he was still in the air force. Thank the good Lord, we were safe! Things went back to normal. And I thought, lets have a baby. Our son was now 9 and I was 2 yrs from 30. Lets do it. So we did, and got a beautiful baby girl. Blue eyes, blonde hair, just like her brother. Life was grand. I made friends and really came into my own as a mom. Clipping coupons, swapping recipes, crawling the mall, playdates every Friday, working out, wine, and pedicures. Truly blessed!
Showing posts with label air force wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label air force wife. Show all posts
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Slow Cooker Chicken Casserole
This easy slow cooker recipe is perfect for freezer meals as well. It fed us for two family meals (one that night, and one frozen for later), plus 2 quart bags for the husband to take with him.
Ingredients:
2 boneless skinless Chicken Breast 1 1/2 cups shredded cheddar
2 cans cream of chicken soup 1 1/2 cups frozen mixed veggies
1 can of water 3 cups rice
2 tbs garlic powder
2 tbs onion powder
2 tbs celery salt
1 tbs black pepper
Before work, I put the chicken breast, 1 can of cream of chicken, water and spices in the slow cooker, cover, and set on low for 6-8 hrs.
After work, I shredded the chicken with two forks, stirred in the mixed veggies and the other can of cream of chicken soup. Then I topped it all in shredded cheddar. I covered it and let that cook while I made the rice.
You can make any rice of your choice, but I used brown minute rice because it only takes a few minutes, and my kids are HUNGRY!
Once the rice is done, stir that into the slow cooker mixture.
Enjoy!
Ingredients:
2 boneless skinless Chicken Breast 1 1/2 cups shredded cheddar
2 cans cream of chicken soup 1 1/2 cups frozen mixed veggies
1 can of water 3 cups rice
2 tbs garlic powder
2 tbs onion powder
2 tbs celery salt
1 tbs black pepper
Before work, I put the chicken breast, 1 can of cream of chicken, water and spices in the slow cooker, cover, and set on low for 6-8 hrs.
After work, I shredded the chicken with two forks, stirred in the mixed veggies and the other can of cream of chicken soup. Then I topped it all in shredded cheddar. I covered it and let that cook while I made the rice.
You can make any rice of your choice, but I used brown minute rice because it only takes a few minutes, and my kids are HUNGRY!
Once the rice is done, stir that into the slow cooker mixture.
Enjoy!
Monday, February 9, 2015
Bums
I'm a pretty conventional mama, but I don't fit in just one "mom" category. I do what makes sense for my family.
When my daughter was about a year old, she became pretty sensitive to disposable diapers. Constant diaper rash. I tried several different brands of diapers and creams. It would go away, and come right back.
Finally, I started looking into cloth diapers.
Now, I was not the least bit enthused about washing diapers. I was not wanting to do it at all. It was even harder to get the husband on board with this plan.
Looking at the initial cost of these things was not making me any happier. Some packages of cloth diapers were more expensive than paying for three years of disposable diapers! Sure, they looked cute, but I felt the cost defeated the "money saving" aspect to cloth diapering- which was the only point that might convince the husband. I had no clue if cloth diapers were going to help my daughter, or if I would even stick to cloth diapering, so the initial investment had to be small....like $100 or less.
The variety of cloth diapers out there was pretty daunting too. So many styles and materials to choose from...how was I ever going to decide which would be right for us?
After a few forums, websites, and talking with some of my cloth diapering friends, I decided to go the prefold/cover route. For two reasons, one, I had a good friend who used them and could offer me guidance while I got my feet wet, and two, you could buy a few days worth of covers and stock up on prefolds, which were pretty cheap. It just seemed to make more sense than buying 30 All In Ones (AIO's).
I also found an inexpensive prefold/cover brand. Econobum's. The reviews were mixed, mainly about the covers, but I figured it was worth the risk. I got six covers and 12 inserts for $100. Your basic cotton prefold with a poly cover- only in white. Not cute, not fancy, but maybe they would work out.
Now, it was time to put them on her butt.... How? Once again I consulted a friend. She tried to talk me though it, but that wasn't quite working out, so she linked me a youtube video. Five different ways these things could be folded...that I know of. I also had no snappi. I chose the newspaper fold, it was easy to do even without the snappi, and held everything in.
After a while, the Econobum covers started to fall apart. The snaps came off. I also had leak problems by the legs. The prefolds are still going strong! I have since bought more prefolds!
A friend gifted me a few different types of covers, and I bought one other type. All of which I like better than the Econobum covers. I think my favorite are the Bummis with the velcro. A close second though are Thirsties with snaps. The double gusset in the legs makes all the difference, at least for my slim girl it does. I also have a few fuzzibunz pockets, with microfiber inserts, but I find they leak horribly, and I am at a total loss on how to fix that. I only use them overnight, over the top of a prefold. I call this "Double-Butting". My daughter is a heavy wetter, especially at night, and was always leaking until I started "double-butting". I'm sure there is another term for this, but I like mine.
I have a total of 24 prefolds and 6 covers. I also have about 10 pocket diapers but I don't count those since I only use them overnight. I wash every other day. Now that I'm working, I sometimes go two days without washing, but then she has to be in disposable diapers that day. Most of the time, it isn't that time consuming. I throw the load in before I start dinner. Start the hot wash after dinner, and start the dryer before bed. Really, not bad.
As far as washing goes, well that has been trial and error. I think it is for everyone. There are so many variables. Water type, material type, and washing machine type. There's also baby's skin to consider. Originally, I started out using just all free and clear in both hot and cold washes, but that soon lead to leak issues because of the detergent build up.
I switched to no detergent in the hot wash. That made no difference.
I started using vinegar in the hot wash...worked for about six washes..and we were back to leak issues. I started using bleach in the hot wash. That solved the leak issue, but irritated my daughter's skin.
At that point, I was about to give up.
Then a friend asked me how I kept the minerals in the water from building up in my hair....eureka moment! I had been washing my hair with blue dawn dish soap, once a month, for about eight months...and still do. It gets rid of shampoo, hair spray, conditioner and mineral build up completely! Stuff is amazing!
After my little light bulb went off, I got to surfing the net. Turns out, I'm not the only mama who swears by washing her diapers in a little blue dawn.
I'm not a scientist, but here's why I think this works.
I live in west Texas, where the water is horrible! Stinky, hard, and full of mineral deposits. NO ONE drinks this water. If they do, they are probably growing a third arm and have kidney failure. No joke.
Anyway. the free and clear gets the "nasty stuff" out, and the dawn gets rid of the mineral/detergent build up on the fibers.
Here's what eventually worked the best for me, and is still working.
One wash with a second rinse- cold water- with half the recommended amount of ALL free and clear.
One wash with a second rinse- hot water- with about two tsp of blue dawn dish soap.
I put the prefolds in the dryer, and the covers/inserts I air dry- on hangers, hung in various places in my living room/kitchen.
Told you I was on a budget.
When my daughter was about a year old, she became pretty sensitive to disposable diapers. Constant diaper rash. I tried several different brands of diapers and creams. It would go away, and come right back.
Finally, I started looking into cloth diapers.
Now, I was not the least bit enthused about washing diapers. I was not wanting to do it at all. It was even harder to get the husband on board with this plan.
Looking at the initial cost of these things was not making me any happier. Some packages of cloth diapers were more expensive than paying for three years of disposable diapers! Sure, they looked cute, but I felt the cost defeated the "money saving" aspect to cloth diapering- which was the only point that might convince the husband. I had no clue if cloth diapers were going to help my daughter, or if I would even stick to cloth diapering, so the initial investment had to be small....like $100 or less.
The variety of cloth diapers out there was pretty daunting too. So many styles and materials to choose from...how was I ever going to decide which would be right for us?
After a few forums, websites, and talking with some of my cloth diapering friends, I decided to go the prefold/cover route. For two reasons, one, I had a good friend who used them and could offer me guidance while I got my feet wet, and two, you could buy a few days worth of covers and stock up on prefolds, which were pretty cheap. It just seemed to make more sense than buying 30 All In Ones (AIO's).
I also found an inexpensive prefold/cover brand. Econobum's. The reviews were mixed, mainly about the covers, but I figured it was worth the risk. I got six covers and 12 inserts for $100. Your basic cotton prefold with a poly cover- only in white. Not cute, not fancy, but maybe they would work out.
So I got to washing. It is recommended to wash the prefolds at least six to eight times before using. My ass is lazy. I washed/dried them four times, once on hot, once on cold, 2nd rinse each time, dry and repeat. (somehow that makes me lazy LOL) sounds flippin crazy to me, and my husband just shook his head.
Now, it was time to put them on her butt.... How? Once again I consulted a friend. She tried to talk me though it, but that wasn't quite working out, so she linked me a youtube video. Five different ways these things could be folded...that I know of. I also had no snappi. I chose the newspaper fold, it was easy to do even without the snappi, and held everything in.
After a while, the Econobum covers started to fall apart. The snaps came off. I also had leak problems by the legs. The prefolds are still going strong! I have since bought more prefolds!
A friend gifted me a few different types of covers, and I bought one other type. All of which I like better than the Econobum covers. I think my favorite are the Bummis with the velcro. A close second though are Thirsties with snaps. The double gusset in the legs makes all the difference, at least for my slim girl it does. I also have a few fuzzibunz pockets, with microfiber inserts, but I find they leak horribly, and I am at a total loss on how to fix that. I only use them overnight, over the top of a prefold. I call this "Double-Butting". My daughter is a heavy wetter, especially at night, and was always leaking until I started "double-butting". I'm sure there is another term for this, but I like mine.
I have a total of 24 prefolds and 6 covers. I also have about 10 pocket diapers but I don't count those since I only use them overnight. I wash every other day. Now that I'm working, I sometimes go two days without washing, but then she has to be in disposable diapers that day. Most of the time, it isn't that time consuming. I throw the load in before I start dinner. Start the hot wash after dinner, and start the dryer before bed. Really, not bad.
As far as washing goes, well that has been trial and error. I think it is for everyone. There are so many variables. Water type, material type, and washing machine type. There's also baby's skin to consider. Originally, I started out using just all free and clear in both hot and cold washes, but that soon lead to leak issues because of the detergent build up.
I switched to no detergent in the hot wash. That made no difference.
I started using vinegar in the hot wash...worked for about six washes..and we were back to leak issues. I started using bleach in the hot wash. That solved the leak issue, but irritated my daughter's skin.
At that point, I was about to give up.
Then a friend asked me how I kept the minerals in the water from building up in my hair....eureka moment! I had been washing my hair with blue dawn dish soap, once a month, for about eight months...and still do. It gets rid of shampoo, hair spray, conditioner and mineral build up completely! Stuff is amazing!
After my little light bulb went off, I got to surfing the net. Turns out, I'm not the only mama who swears by washing her diapers in a little blue dawn.
I'm not a scientist, but here's why I think this works.
I live in west Texas, where the water is horrible! Stinky, hard, and full of mineral deposits. NO ONE drinks this water. If they do, they are probably growing a third arm and have kidney failure. No joke.
Anyway. the free and clear gets the "nasty stuff" out, and the dawn gets rid of the mineral/detergent build up on the fibers.
Here's what eventually worked the best for me, and is still working.
One wash with a second rinse- cold water- with half the recommended amount of ALL free and clear.
One wash with a second rinse- hot water- with about two tsp of blue dawn dish soap.
I put the prefolds in the dryer, and the covers/inserts I air dry- on hangers, hung in various places in my living room/kitchen.
Told you I was on a budget.
Another week, and another set of meals.
On Thursday I had the day off, so I made a double batch of spaghetti sauce.
I only cooked a single batch (16 oz) of noodles though. That came out to be 1 gallon bag of sauce for the kids and I, and 5 quart bags of sauce+noodles for the husband. 2 meals for the husband, and 1 meal for me when I work a late shift.
Friday, I made a pot roast in my slow cooker.
3lb beef shoulder roast.
6-8 small red potatoes, halved
1 lb baby carrots
2-3 stalks of celery, diced
1/2 onion, diced
1 can beef broth
3 cups water
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
2 TBS minced garlic
1 TBS celery salt
2 TBS parsley
Combine beef broth, water, Worcestershire sauce, and garlic in slow cooker.
put roast in.
top with onion, celery, potatoes, carrots, celery salt, and parsley- in that order.
Cook on low for 8 hrs.
This fed the kids and I. Plus I had 2 quart bags of meat+veggies (1 meal each) for the husband.
Monday we had chick fil a cause I had shit to do after work and didn't feel like cooking. I was supposed to make tuna noodle, but that obviously didn't happen.
So Tuesday, I made tuna noodle. A double batch, in my extra large stock pot.
2- 12 oz. bags egg noodles
5- 10 3/4 oz cans of cream mushroom soup
5- 5 oz cans of chunk light tuna
16 oz frozen peas (optional)
Fill stock pot 3/4 full of water, boil. Add noodles and peas. cook for 8-10 mins.
Strain noodles. Combine soup and tuna in pot, heat on low and stir until well blended.
Add noodles/peas back to pot and stir well!
It's that easy.
This fed the kids and I, plus I had 4 heavy quart bags (hopefully 4 meals) for the husband.
Wednesday morning, before heading off to work, I put a whole chicken in the slow cooker.
I layered it this way :
Whole chicken and 1 cup of broth on the bottom.
6 medium sized red potatoes- quartered.
1 lb of baby carrots
then I topped the whole lot of it with:
2 TBS of minced garlic
a layer of minced onion
a layer of celery salt
a bit of black pepper
cooked on low for 8-10 hrs.
that chicken fell apart!
It made a good meal for the kids and I that night, and the rest went into soup for Thursday. That recipe is a post of it's own! Stay tuned!!
I only cooked a single batch (16 oz) of noodles though. That came out to be 1 gallon bag of sauce for the kids and I, and 5 quart bags of sauce+noodles for the husband. 2 meals for the husband, and 1 meal for me when I work a late shift.
Friday, I made a pot roast in my slow cooker.
3lb beef shoulder roast.
6-8 small red potatoes, halved
1 lb baby carrots
2-3 stalks of celery, diced
1/2 onion, diced
1 can beef broth
3 cups water
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
2 TBS minced garlic
1 TBS celery salt
2 TBS parsley
Combine beef broth, water, Worcestershire sauce, and garlic in slow cooker.
put roast in.
top with onion, celery, potatoes, carrots, celery salt, and parsley- in that order.
Cook on low for 8 hrs.
This fed the kids and I. Plus I had 2 quart bags of meat+veggies (1 meal each) for the husband.
Monday we had chick fil a cause I had shit to do after work and didn't feel like cooking. I was supposed to make tuna noodle, but that obviously didn't happen.
So Tuesday, I made tuna noodle. A double batch, in my extra large stock pot.
2- 12 oz. bags egg noodles
5- 10 3/4 oz cans of cream mushroom soup
5- 5 oz cans of chunk light tuna
16 oz frozen peas (optional)
Fill stock pot 3/4 full of water, boil. Add noodles and peas. cook for 8-10 mins.
Strain noodles. Combine soup and tuna in pot, heat on low and stir until well blended.
Add noodles/peas back to pot and stir well!
It's that easy.
This fed the kids and I, plus I had 4 heavy quart bags (hopefully 4 meals) for the husband.
Wednesday morning, before heading off to work, I put a whole chicken in the slow cooker.
I layered it this way :
Whole chicken and 1 cup of broth on the bottom.
6 medium sized red potatoes- quartered.
1 lb of baby carrots
then I topped the whole lot of it with:
2 TBS of minced garlic
a layer of minced onion
a layer of celery salt
a bit of black pepper
cooked on low for 8-10 hrs.
that chicken fell apart!
It made a good meal for the kids and I that night, and the rest went into soup for Thursday. That recipe is a post of it's own! Stay tuned!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Encouraging Word
I talk about how horrible days can be, a lot. So how do I make it? How do I still smile?
I keep busy.
I do anything and everything NOT to think about the situation I'm in. I stay busy. That's what I do. Constantly. Which, between working full time, two kids, and a house to not only clean, but maintain and upgrade...it's not hard to stay busy!
I focus on how to get out of this situation. Being the best I can be at my job. Being the best I can be as a mother. Brainstorming with the husband on how to get out of this mess. Until I am so exhausted by the time I lay down with my bible, I can hardly keep my eyes open.
I read scripture. Daily. Not a ton, but enough to bring me some peace or hope or strength.
I focus on how to get out of this situation. Being the best I can be at my job. Being the best I can be as a mother. Brainstorming with the husband on how to get out of this mess. Until I am so exhausted by the time I lay down with my bible, I can hardly keep my eyes open.
I read scripture. Daily. Not a ton, but enough to bring me some peace or hope or strength.
Scripture has brought me great comfort.
"The Lord provides" has been a good one. Even when I was everything but deserving, he still provided."Do not worry." the Lord says this many times. On my worst days, He says this to me.
"With God, all things are possible." He gives me the strength. Sometimes minute by minute. Deep breath, and "With God".
I was already blessed with a dear friend, we will call her Beth. I have known her for three years and she has been my spiritual mentor. She is close to twice my age, with a daughter who is my age. I met her by chance and she has been nothing but a blessing from day one. She is truly a gift from God. She has kept me from straying and been a wealth of knowledge. I can only pray to one day be as kind and loving as she is. She is an amazing example of a good christian woman...something I am far from. She has put up with me when I have been a less than willing student and has always encouraged me. Needless to say, she has been more so lately. I know she has a ton of things on her plate, yet she still takes time out to meet with me a few times a month. I was never a strong believer growing up, but circumstances in my life over the past 10 years have slowly made me a firm believer.
I don't think about the future.
I do, but I don't. I think enough about the future to get the ball rolling, but if I think about it too much, I start to freak out. I have to, someday, come to the realization that LIFE has no plan. There are no guarantees. I thought I had a plan. I thought I had guarantees. But, well, I didn't. Even if I did, they are gone now, so no use thinking about that. It only makes me want to cry, and well, there's a time and a place for that, but that time is not right now.I surround myself with positivity.
I liked positive and uplifting pages on my personal fb page. I deleted those that brought me down or didn't contribute. I did the same in my personal life. The people who didn't give two shits about me, I stopped giving two shits about them. I have too much to worry about to care who doesn't want to be in my life. Did I lose people that I thought were my best friends? Sure did! Did I cry over it? Sure did! But now, I spend my precious time with people I really like and who really like me. They were people I never expected, but they are genuine and I often feel unworthy of their friendship.KLOVE
on the radio in my car. I cannot tell you how much of a blessing that has been. God truly speaks through them... on my worst days, and on my good days.Saturday, September 13, 2014
Make it stop
The first week was hard. Oh so hard.
It's even harder to name the hardest part.
My anxiety. Anxiety has me in a firm grip. I can't help it. Can't shake it. I rotate between freezing up- sitting or laying down and hardly a thought, i want to sleep but can't- crying, and throwing up. By 3 pm, I am almost normal. By 5 pm I feel confident in my abilities and the power of God, I feel on top of it all and don't understand why I was so upset that morning. It is a confusing and difficult place to be. Mornings are the hardest. Each day I wake up with my stomach in a hard ball. It's hard to breathe. It was 6 days before I quit throwing up each morning. I still can't eat until at least 1pm. I've seen my therapist each night just to feel like I can go on.
The loss of a community I feel so strongly bonded to.
Facing the loss of a stable income.
Facing the loss of a lifestyle.
Trying to find a job that pays well when I have few skills. I haven't worked in 5 yrs. Even when I did work, it was just in a grocery store.
Trying to decide which job I should shoot for, which would be a good match for me, and still allow me to be a mother.
Leaving my children will be hard. It kills me to even think about it. I have enjoyed and loved raising my children and that was my life plan....to raise my children. The Lord tells me this is my most important job.
How will I balance taking care of home, family, and trying to build a career? Is it even possible?
The kids....thinking of them and the sacrifices they will have to make. Its unbearable!
My daughter....my beautiful daughter....all she knows is momma taking care of her, all day, every day. I rarely leave her with a good friend.
And my son....he has become so used to mom being here to help with homework and make dinner.
It's also hard to say how I feel about my husband. I love him, and I'm so freaking mad at him! I want to slap him and I want to hug him. This is eating him up too. He didn't have to say it, I can tell by looking at him. His confidence is shaken and I am barely hanging on to sanity. He can't stand to see me cry, and I can't vent to him because he doesn't understand. He hasn't lived with the daily struggle I do. I was barely holding things together before this.
My previous worries and struggles feel unfounded now. I feel completely out of control. My body and my mind do whatever they want, despite my attempts at deep breathing, exercising, and tapping. The tools I've learned to cope with mild anxiety aren't enough to get me through this disaster. I try to talk myself down, tell myself I need to be strong for my children, but I feel so weak....so very weak. We had so much security, and now it's all gone. He says we have freedom now. Freedom to rise higher and do what we love, but all I see is the danger of failure.
Grounded
My biggest weakness, Anxiety.
Especially after the birth of our second child. Social and general anxiety took over my life.
I was petrified of meeting new people and going new places.
I constantly worried about what people thought of me.
I berated and belittled myself for the smallest short coming.
A simple get together with new spouses would send me into a panic, complete with trips to the bathroom and cold sweats.
Going to the gym was something I had to make myself do.
Date nights with my husband became a challenge...I had to fight not to faint if we went to a crowded restaurant.
I couldn't do anything with anyone unless I had at least a day's notice and even then, my stomach may decide to back out at the last minute.
If my husband wanted to be spontaneous, it would immediately be met by a screaming fight from me, full of empty reasons why we couldn't go.
Especially after the birth of our second child. Social and general anxiety took over my life.
I was petrified of meeting new people and going new places.
I constantly worried about what people thought of me.
I berated and belittled myself for the smallest short coming.
A simple get together with new spouses would send me into a panic, complete with trips to the bathroom and cold sweats.
Going to the gym was something I had to make myself do.
Date nights with my husband became a challenge...I had to fight not to faint if we went to a crowded restaurant.
I couldn't do anything with anyone unless I had at least a day's notice and even then, my stomach may decide to back out at the last minute.
If my husband wanted to be spontaneous, it would immediately be met by a screaming fight from me, full of empty reasons why we couldn't go.
Anxiety was ruining my marriage, and my body.
I began to have headaches and strange, vivid dreams, as well as involuntary jaw clenching in my sleep. My stomach was always upset.
I finally decided to seek help when my daughter was 5 months old. We were supposed to go on leave to see family, a happy occasion, but I was a mess. I looked like a deer in head lights and I couldn't think straight enough to pack.
I saw my doctor on base. She gave me a script and an appt with mental health when we got back from vacation. Awesome. Now I was too scared to try the medicine! Take some unknown pill the day before a 19 hr car trip with our two children??? I couldn't chance side effects. So I waited, and tried to hold myself together until we got home.
At mental health, I talked with a nice old man. Of course it was just a slew of pills in this dose and that dose. I took them, but every one of them made me unable to take care of my children for one reason or another. I had to rely on friends and neighbors to help me get through the day.
When I told the nice old man that I couldn't take any more pills, he told me he couldn't help me! What kind of doctor says that?! I felt hopeless! Doomed!
So back to my regular doctor I went. I told her I needed someone else to help me, cause that guy wasn't cutting it. She gave me a referral, and I picked a random name from a list. Fingers crossed! The name I picked turned out to be a somewhat eccentric, middle aged woman who didnt believe in writing useless scripts! Fate! I loved her.
She helped me understand the how and why of my anxiety. She put words to what I couldnt begin to describe. She taught me deep breathing, tapping, and we talked every week. Things were ok. My anxiety was still there, but she encouraged me to keep getting out there....that was the only way to overcome it. Force myself to go into the world and eventually it would get easier. Did it? Not really...but I wasn't sitting at home...grounded by fear.
I began to have headaches and strange, vivid dreams, as well as involuntary jaw clenching in my sleep. My stomach was always upset.
I finally decided to seek help when my daughter was 5 months old. We were supposed to go on leave to see family, a happy occasion, but I was a mess. I looked like a deer in head lights and I couldn't think straight enough to pack.
I saw my doctor on base. She gave me a script and an appt with mental health when we got back from vacation. Awesome. Now I was too scared to try the medicine! Take some unknown pill the day before a 19 hr car trip with our two children??? I couldn't chance side effects. So I waited, and tried to hold myself together until we got home.
At mental health, I talked with a nice old man. Of course it was just a slew of pills in this dose and that dose. I took them, but every one of them made me unable to take care of my children for one reason or another. I had to rely on friends and neighbors to help me get through the day.
When I told the nice old man that I couldn't take any more pills, he told me he couldn't help me! What kind of doctor says that?! I felt hopeless! Doomed!
So back to my regular doctor I went. I told her I needed someone else to help me, cause that guy wasn't cutting it. She gave me a referral, and I picked a random name from a list. Fingers crossed! The name I picked turned out to be a somewhat eccentric, middle aged woman who didnt believe in writing useless scripts! Fate! I loved her.
She helped me understand the how and why of my anxiety. She put words to what I couldnt begin to describe. She taught me deep breathing, tapping, and we talked every week. Things were ok. My anxiety was still there, but she encouraged me to keep getting out there....that was the only way to overcome it. Force myself to go into the world and eventually it would get easier. Did it? Not really...but I wasn't sitting at home...grounded by fear.
Friday, September 12, 2014
The Bomb
Three years into our Texas tour and I'd finally hit my stride. I had discovered my strengths and weaknesses. I had made amazing friends. I started selling my gifts of crochet. I found solace and knowledge in the words of God. I began homeschooling my son under the guidance of another amazing military spouse. I had knowledge of military life and the local area. I was able to share it with new spouses. I finally felt like I knew what I was doing! I finally felt like a good mom!
One Friday, just as I had come home from another great playgroup, my husband arrived home for what I thought was lunch. I greeted him with a smile, but it wasn't returned. I asked "Whats up?" He said, "I'm in trouble. Big trouble." My heart sunk..."what kind of trouble?" "I'm probably done in the air force. I don't expect to stay in." All I could say was no no no no. I started crying and he teared up. And I couldn't look at him. I couldn't believe he'd done this to us. To our kids. After how hard we had fought to keep his job, he'd fucked it all up.
Im not stupid....I wasn't about to get my hopes up...in fact, they fell.....down down down. All the plans we had for the near and distant future....gone. I walked around like a crying zombie the rest of the day. Tried to take care of the kids as best I could...trying to not let them see me cry. Of course my son new something was wrong, but all I could say to him was that I didn't feel well and to do his school work.
My mind went in all kinds of directions. Would we sell the house? I'd have to go back to work. The most prevalent thoughts, What were we going to do? What were we going to tell our families?
After an eternity, he finally came home for the day. That evening was a blur, but it was full of crying and him trying to reassure me we would be ok.
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